We all need someone to talk to. And if we don’t talk about the things that bother us, we often internalize our angst in ways that can become debilitating and dangerous. But how do we talk about the things that bother us without being slanderous or gossipy?
Many of us go to safe spaces. A safe space is that person we can be totally open and transparent with about our joy and pain. A safe space can be a very good thing (even essential). But there is a real danger in a safe space: sometimes calling someone a safe space is just coded language for saying they are the one with whom we gossip, betray confidences, behave unprofessionally.
I need a simple way to address this, so let’s imagine a scenario of six friends. We’ll call them Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey.
Suppose Monica cannot stand Rachel because she borrows things without returning them and talks too much. Monica tells Joey and since he is a good friend he listens and nods. She tells him she’s not gossipping since he is her safe space. But is he? Would a safe person be party to the slander of a mutual friend? Further, she invited him into a conversation that tempted him to do the same. Sounds dangerous. The next time the six friends are together at, I don’t know…a coffee shop, there is a deteriorated level of trust in the group because two of them have been having offline conversations about another. Of course, six of them might have the naivete to believe that their six pack is a safe space. But the side meetings between Monica and Joey suggest otherwise. This place is not safe; the rain has started to pour.
We all need safe spaces. But we also need spaces that are free of gossip and slander. If we are looking for a place to vent about others, then safe isn’t the right word. That’s like going to a dog park with a pet tiger and wondering why everyone else appears defensive. The wrong safe space can be dangerous for everyone. There is no such thing as a healthy group without trust. And careless words erode trust.
If safe spaces can be so toxic, why do we still confide in them? Or better: why are we so undiscriminating when choosing our safe harbors? Why would we ever think it’s a good idea to talk about the group to someone who is in the group? I get why Travis would talk to Taylor about Patrick. She’s his safe space (and blank space). But I have no idea why Travis would talk to his right tackle about Patrick. Clearly, we believe unhealthy myths about safe spaces.
Myths
- The biggest risk in gossip is that the person I’m talking to might repeat it.
- Sharing (or oversharing) with someone within the group is helpful because they understand exactly what I’m feeling–since they know the involved parties.
- Being seen, vulnerable, and known comes primarily through sharing my feelings about others and how they have hurt me.
- A safe space is the best place to defend myself: I am right; they are wrong. That’s why I'm hurt.
These are some of the social myths we live by. And none of them appear particularly sinister. But each of them is misguided and deserves interrogation by a larger truth.
Truths
- The biggest risk in gossip is not that it will be spread; the problem is that it was shared at all. The slander has already occurred.
- A good trusted listener from outside of our context is better positioned to address our anxiety, because they don’t know the key players; they are more objective. Plus, there is no downside of threatening the integrity of the group.
- Being seen, vulnerable, and known does not come through tearing others down, but instead by confessing our sins, naming our disappointments, and acknowledging the role that we’ve played in conflict. There is nothing transparent about confessing the sins of others (James 5:16).
- I have a role in this; it might not be entirely my fault, but I am responsible for my past, present, and future behavior.
But we all need a safe space. We need a place where we can confide, confess, and complain. Where should we look?
- God is our primary safe space. “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall never be shaken” (Ps. 62:1). The farthest recesses of our brain might hear the old hymn, “Are we weak and heavy-laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge— Take it to the Lord in prayer.” There are some things that are best kept between us and God.
- Identify one intimate partner. We all need our one person. It might be a spouse or soul mate. We can say things to them that they hold in unbreakable confidence. We all need that.
- Even our antagonists deserve dignity. I have a few ministry wounds that I keep pretty private. Why? Just because I had a bad experience with someone should not suggest that everyone will. There is a fine line between having a bad experience and spreading propaganda in hopes that others will, too (James 1:19). I’m happy to use Yelp to tell you about my favorite pad thai in town, but I’m not going to use it to put Pizza Hut on blast because they botched my order.
- Find a safe person…afar. A few months ago I sat with two friends and shared some hard stuff. They are not in Memphis, not related to me, and not Church of Christ. In fact, I suspect if I checked Facebook we would have zero mutual friends. I felt like I could be a little more candid than I would be with people closer to my situation.
- Get professional help. This could be a coach, therapist, or mentor. Asking curious questions of someone with some professional gifts can help us avoid a lot of issues before they erupt.
There are responsible, moral ways to work through our hurts and hangups. We all need to find them. But sometimes a safe space right in front of us might be the warzone we need the least.
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and shield. Our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you. (Psalm 33:20-22)
